Undisclosed Desires
by Vorcha Girl
Summary: Kaidan visits Shepard in the hospital after Akuze and gets more than he bargained for! (Pre-ME1 Shenko fluff!)


_Disclaimer: I don't own Mass Effect_

 **A/N - A short little fluffy Shenko piece written for SpectrePemberly as part of my Tumblr fic giveaway. Enjoy!**

* * *

 _She hasn't been the same since Akuze._

 _It's like a different person came home._

 _I thought I knew Alex, you know? But she won't even tell me what happened._

Kaidan's head swam as he stormed across the lobby of the hospital, his hands shoved deep in his pockets and his hoodie zipped up tight to his throat. The snatched fragments of conversations he'd heard earlier taunted him as they forced their way to the forefront of his mind, relentless, demanding his attention. Comments made innocently enough and without malice, but which needled against him anyway.

He pushed them down; denied them.

Alex was alive.

 _She was alive_.

And not only was she alive when her entire team had been slaughtered on Akuze, but she'd waited days for an extraction - waited with the bodies of her friends and comrades rotting around her. The thought made Kaidan shiver and sent a roll of nausea through his stomach. To go through such a horror would _have_ to change you. No one would be able to come through an ordeal like that without losing sleep and becoming withdrawn.

He reached the elevator and angrily stabbed his finger against the call button, gritting his teeth as he tried to put the comments of her friends and family out of his mind. They couldn't have known that he knew Shepard when he walked past them outside the hospital and overheard their whispered conversation - how could they? His relationship with Alex had only begun the night _before_ she'd left for Akuze. They didn't have any idea of his existence. Hell, if Alex hadn't contacted him via the extranet to ask him to come and see her, he wouldn't have even known what hospital she was in.

His fingers drummed a nervous rhythm against his leg as the elevator began to rise, the floor numbers scrolling upwards. Hearing the news that her team had been decimated on Akuze had ripped his guts out. One moment he'd been carrying a ration tray to the mess and the next he'd frozen as he heard the news. He'd gone cold, icy, his stomach plummeting to his feet as his head spun dizzily.

Alex. _Dead_.

He hadn't been able to process it as the pain welled up and subsumed every other feeling he had. He'd struggled to stay calm. He'd almost dropped his tray. He'd almost thrown up. He'd almost fainted. But he hadn't. Instead he'd stayed frozen and had listened as the report detailed the horrific attack and listed the sole survivor - _Alexandra Shepard._

She was alive.

He'd tried and failed to find out which hospital she was in, and had waited days before she'd contacted him. A short message. A simple message. A message that simply said she needed to see him and listed her hospital, wing and room number.

And so he'd come.

Kaidan dragged himself out of his unhappy thoughts as the elevator arrived on her floor and he cautiously made his way out. No details had been given about her physical condition and a quiet anxiety began to bubble within him; what if she'd been badly hurt? What if she'd lost a limb or was badly scarred? He wouldn't care one little bit, but seeing her like that would be a shock. Cowardice reared its head, an illogical terror of seeing the woman he loved injured or marred.

He pushed it down and forced himself on; Alex needed him.

Shepard's room was easy enough to find and he hesitated outside for a moment with his hand raised to knock. He swallowed hard, his heart pounding fearfully inside of him, but with a small shake he forced himself to knock. It sounded louder than it should have in the hospital hallway, and he looked around self-consciously, but no one noticed or cared.

"Come in."

A soft voice; her voice.

Kaidan opened the door and slipped in, his eyes automatically falling on the woman curled up on the bed. She sat against the headboard with her legs pulled to her chest and her arms laced around them. The window was open and she was bathed in sunlight, her blonde hair glowing like a halo around a face so dear to him that his heart stumbled in his chest. She was beautiful; beautiful because she was Alex Shepard.

He walked in and closed the door softly behind him, and when he looked back up she'd turned her deep blue eyes on him and was watching with a frightening look of vulnerability that tore at his heart. Her face was almost white and her freckles stood out in stark contrast, and her eyes had dark circles around them, but she was still gorgeous. Kaidan moved to Alex, drawn towards her without being aware that he was moving.

"Kaidan," she whispered his name on a trembling breath, her eyes swimming with tears as something in her broke and a wall came down. She crumbled and Kaidan caught her to him, settling himself on the bed and pulling her small frame into his arms as she broke down.

He'd forgotten how petite she was, how wiry and spare her body was, and he folded her close against him as she trembled and clung. Alex sobbed loudly and buried her face in his neck, her fingers twining into the material of his hoodie as she let him comfort her. Kaidan rubbed her back in soothing circles, pressing kisses to her face and rocking her gently.

Waves of fear, guilt and anxiety poured off her. Emotions Kaidan knew well. He'd felt like that when he walked out of BAaT – haunted by the faces of the friends he'd lost and weighed down by the guilt of surviving. He still had nightmares about that place, and he didn't doubt for a minute that Alex would be haunted by her ghosts for years to come.

Slowly her tears dried up and she lay passively in his arms, shivering and clinging to him tightly.

"Thank you," she said softly as she loosened her grip and looked into his face. "I wasn't sure you'd come."

"Not come?" Kaidan used his thumbs to brush tears off her cheeks. "Alex, I'd have been here earlier if you'd asked."

She smiled at that, a weak watery twitch of her lips that didn't reach her eyes, but she nodded and drew in a deep breath. "I know we haven't been together for long but I needed to have someone to hold me, and you're-" Her breath hitched and he felt her fingers tighten again. "You're special to me, Kaidan."

Those words sent a flush of warmth shooting through him and Kaidan leaned down and pressed a kiss to her forehead. "Thank you, you're special to me too."

He wanted to ask what had happened on Akuze; how she'd survived when everyone else had died, and what she'd done when she'd come back that had made her family worry about her, but he decided to keep to safer topics. He hadn't wanted to talk to anyone after BAaT, and he'd shut himself off whenever they'd tried.

"Are you hurt?" he asked eventually, watching as she shuffled back until she leaned against the headboard again.

He couldn't see any injuries.

Alex shook her head and glanced out the windows as she picked at the bedspread. "Nothing too bad. Some minor acid burns and I tore a ligament in my knee which they've already repaired. Most of it is up here." She tapped her head and grimaced. "They keep bringing in bullshit psychs to talk to me, but-"

"But?" Kaidan prompted gently, catching hold of her hand and linking his fingers with hers.

She swallowed hard and glanced up at him. "What the hell am I supposed to say? They're all dead. All of my friends are gone. And there was nothing I could do except try to keep myself alive. And you know what? I don't want to talk about it! I'm sick of talking about it! Since I've come back that's all I've talked about and I don't want to anymore. I don't want to think about it. Every time I close my eyes I'm back there again. It's all I can see. Maybe I'll be ready to talk about it next week or the week after, but not now." She scowled and looked at him. "I don't want to let Akuze define me. Why can't they see that?"

"They're doing their jobs," he reminded her. "And everyone's worried about you. But if you don't want to talk about it yet then you don't have to. We can talk about anything."

Alex sighed in relief and sagged against the headboard. "You're the first person who hasn't pushed me. How do you know exactly what to say?" Her eyes softened. "It feels like I've known you for a lifetime."

Kaidan nodded and scooted closer as he hesitantly traced her face with his hands. "I feel the same way. When I saw the news and saw what had happened on Akuze," he let the fear he'd felt show in his eyes. "I almost died, Alex. The thought of losing you after only just finding you-"

"I felt the same way on Akuze when I thought … ." She drifted off and gave herself a small shake. "Well, I wondered if I died down there, if you'd miss me? If you'd even know?" The tension in her face dissolved and she laughed. "Pretty silly, huh? Pining after a man who I had a one night stand with?"

She met his eyes with her striking blue orbs and Kaidan leaned in and brushed his mouth against hers, a soft sigh leaving her lips as he did. "I think we both know that it was more than a one night stand," he reminded her. "At least it was for me."

"Kaidan," she breathed his name and kissed him again, deeper, harder, her tongue siding against his as she hauled him close and kissed him senseless.

The remaining tension inside of Kaidan dissolved at the feel of her lips on his and he was thrown back to the last and only other time they'd been together. The incredible night he'd spent with her before she shipped out to Akuze. He'd known even then that this was the woman for him. They'd clicked on so many levels and he'd felt connected to her in a way he hadn't felt since Rahna.

Alex Shepard was wonderfully free spirited. She was giving with her love and trust, and she seemed to feel the same way about him that he did about her. The morning after their incredible night together they'd made love again and had eaten a huge breakfast of bacon and eggs at a nearby café before they'd kissed goodbye and promised to catch up again. It had felt right to be with her, there was no awkwardness or strain, and things had flowed easily between them.

She hadn't even cared about his biotics; she'd _liked_ them.

Laughing, Alex pulled back from the kiss and glanced slyly at the door. "What do you say we get out of here? You did promise me a dinner when I got back from Akuze, and I need to take my mind of everything."

"Are you allowed to just leave?" Kaidan was tempted to swoop in for another kiss but he held himself in check and got to his feet, realising that Alex wasn't dressed in hospital pyjamas but in her civilian clothing.

She shrugged, and an expression passed over her face was part rebellion and part belligerence. "If they don't know, they can't stop me."

"Alex-"

"Don't _Alex_ me!" she interrupted him lightly. "Just loan me your hoodie so I can put it up over my face and then we can go get coffee or something."

Kaidan crossed his arms over his chest and gave her a firm look. "Alex-"

"Oh, come on!" She smirked up at him. "Don't be such a stick in the mud. What's life without a little risk?" When he didn't budge, she sighed and gave him a pleading look. "I promise I'll come back here afterwards, I just want to get out and clear my head with you, okay?"

 _Shit. How could he resist it when she phrased it like that?_

"Fine." Kaidan unzipped his hoodie and tossed it at her, watching in amusement as she put it on, swimming in the fabric as she pushed the sleeves up and flipped the hoodie over her face. He snorted. "You look ridiculous; like a little girl wearing her father's clothing."

"Shut up," she nudged him and gingerly stood up, carefully testing the knee he guessed she'd injured before she put her full weight on it. "Now, let's go before someone stops us."

She linked her arm with his, nestled her body close and together they snuck out of the room, the two of them thick as thieves as they made their way down the corridor and into the elevator. Kaidan's heart thumped in his chest and his stomach turned nervously as they made their way out of the hospital, but no one stopped them; not even the Alliance guards posted near the entrance.

Alex breathed a sigh of relief as soon as she they left the hospital, stopping briefly to stand in the sun with her face upturned towards the light, breathing deeply and savouring her freedom. She pushed the hoodie down and Kaidan watched her with a smile on his face, a smile which froze around the edges as a short blonde woman broke away from the crowd nearby and hurried towards her.

"Alexandra Jane Shepard!" she rapped out in a voice hard enough to cut glass. "Just what do you think you're doing out here?"

Alex's eyes flew open and she stumbled back a step, crashing into Kaidan and looking for all the world like a guilty child caught doing something naughty. For a moment she looked about fifteen instead of in her early twenties, and Kaidan had to stifle a laugh as she squirmed under the other woman's gaze.

"Mother!" she grumbled. "I was just getting some air."

"A likely story." Alex's mother turned probing brown eyes on Kaidan. "And who exactly is this?"

Alex sighed and shuffled on the cement, casting a helpless gaze up at Kaidan as she shrugged and answered, "Mom, meet Kaidan Alenko; my boyfriend."

* * *

 **A/N - Hehe, and that's the story how Kaidan met Alex's mother. I hope you enjoyed it!**


End file.
